Does this happen to everyone when they come to this phase of life? I feel faced with a pile of regrets. And I don't know if it's just a phase I'm going through. Or if these are things I really need to deal with. I suspect the latter; though I wish it were a case of the former. I've heard people say, or read people who wrote, that if they had their lives to live over again, they would not change a thing. Let me tell you: I would change a truck-load of things. At the same time, I feel amazingly blessed with how my life is turning now. But there remain things about my past that I regret deeply. I regret them mainly because of the effect they have had and continue to have in the lives of people I either love, have loved, or at least care about. I may not get to all the regrets today. But I will address one:
I regret holding on to my bitterness for so many years. Really, I regret holding onto bitterness at all. The people against whom I felt this bitterness live(d) their lives completely unphased by my feelings or attitude. They did not know and did not care that I still harbored and nursed the hurt they inflicted. How many times did I pray with the psalmist that God would strike them down etc. But he did not. And anyway that's not the point here. The point is: I held onto the bitterness. I thought I had it well camouflaged. But whether or not it was hidden, people I loved were affected by it. After many years, God brought me to the point of forgiving those who betrayed me. At least one had already died; others I had had no contact with. But I named them and forgave them. I came free of that bondage. But people I love and care about carry with them my poor example.
Now, when I see others I love holding onto their bitterness, I see that my poor example is reaping its bitter harvest. What to do?
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